I don't know anymore...

Today I had my second thesis review. I wanted to go to the computer immediately afterwards to right down the experience while it was fresh in my mind, however I could not bring myself to sit down and write about it because of how frustrated it made me. I thought I would give myself some time to cool off however, twelve hours later, I am still just as pissed.

Currently, I have no idea where I am at as far as my thesis goes. I have no idea what direction I am going in and I have no idea if I am even still doing bands. I would love to do a thesis project on the bands, however, I don't think I will ever be able to satisfy the notion of a concept connected to the photos. I could make one up and just bend to the will and let someone start my concept and reply "Yes that is exactly what I was thinking of doing, you are dead on" and just allow myself to be pushed into any meaning, have things implanted in my brain. But that is not who I am. Currently I am at a bit at a loss as to what I am even doing, which is exactly where I want to be this far along in the game.

I feel mad at myself for making the edits to one of my photos because it unleashed this whole new demon of questioning reality, which is not what I was going for.

I told my thesis committee today that all I want to do at this point is just get through this program to reach my degree. I don't feel like I have some message that I need to get out. I don't regret saying this. I just feel like I am stuck in the middle of an ocean treading. Eventually your legs will cramp, and you will drown.

I was questioned by Ryan in my committee about my "voice" in the art world. I honestly don't feel like I have one. I am not some deep person and that makes me feel incorrect. I feel like I didn't have the "right" answers to Ryan's question. I don't know what the "right" answers were. After my thesis meeting, if I didn't already feel like an outsider in the "fine arts world" I certainly do now.

During my meeting I was questioned why I pursued a degree in DAAP rather than say photo journalism or e-media in CCM. As a senior in high school, all I wanted to do was go to a photography school. After much research of various schools, I found DAAP and saw nothing but great comments on their photography department. I applied to DAAP and only DAAP. My mother didn't like that I was putting all my eggs in one basket and encouraged me to apply to other schools as well. I told her if I didn't get into DAAP, then I was just not going to go to college because the only place I wanted to go was DAAP for photography. I was ecstatic the day I received my acceptance letter to my one and only choice school, DAAP. I do not by any means regret my decision to go to DAAP. DAAP truly has a wonderful photography department and I feel it has made my work one hundred times stronger in learning from their department. I HATE that question "why did you pursuit a degree in DAAP instead of photojournalism?". This question makes me feel unworthy of the wonderful resources DAAP has to offer. I just feel like everything I do in DAAP is "wrong" because it's conceptual value has no intention on changing the world.

Minutes after my thesis review ended, I had my first work in progress review for this quarter of advanced photography. (I know double whammy!) Janie very kindly explained to my group what had just happened in my thesis meeting and told them I am now at a loss of where to go. I agreed with her and the floor was opened for any suggestions they might have. I cannot express through words the gratitude I felt and still feel for my group this afternoon for all of their encouraging support. Stacey Oliver looked horrified when I told them that I feel like I am in the wrong program and told me she thinks I need to do what makes me happy and that by no means does that say I shouldn't be able to do what I love in DAAP and that I should be here and I do belong here. It was extremely encouraging to hear this. Amanda Aton offered a similar experience that she had endured during her undergrad school. I cannot even describe how helpful it was to hear that I was not alone in feeling this way. Suddenly I wasn't so strange.

Everyone in my group mentioned that having thousands of pictures that I now am not sure what to do with is not a failure but rather a stepping stone or building foundation. Currently I am in the process of thinking of what it is I want to do and what it is I want to say. I am sort of playing with the idea of the whole "reality" issue and pondering what it would be like to photograph "lies". I am still ironing out the details though.

Still frustrated, but hoping to move forward

Till next time.....